The one where we lost a baby

I'm heartbroken.

I am angry at God.

I am supposed to be 15 weeks pregnant... I'm supposed to have a little belly.

But I don't. We lost our baby when he was 8 weeks and 1 day old. 

That day was the worst day of my entire life. I was in so much pain, both emotional and physical. 

I cried more the week after the miscarriage that I have in my entire life. 

I am not one to cry, but that week after we lost our first baby, I cried. I cried all the time. I would lock myself alone in our bedroom and cry. Gut wrenching cries. 

We tried and tried to get pregnant. I took ovulation tests, I had my blood drawn, I took medicine to make me ovulate... and it finally worked. I finally got pregnant. We had our baby we had prayed for and ached for. We were so excited. I've never seen Hubs more happy than when I told him I was pregnant. We cried together we were so excited.... But that only lasted for one, very short, month. Because on January 20th, 2018, we lost our baby. We lost our perfect little miracle. 

I have been so withdrawn from everyone since then. I've been so angry at God. I haven't been to church since we lost our baby. I haven't been able to bring myself to be there. I want to be the kind of Christian that can look at all these struggles and just have peace knowing that God has my whole life planned. But I can't. Not yet, anyway. I'm finally getting to a place where I'm less angry. But I'm still angry. I don't understand why it happened to us. I don't understand why we couldn't just have our perfect little baby. We bought a crib for our miracle. It's just sitting in the basement locked away. We have drawers full of things for our miracle.... But we won't get to use them for right now. We have to wait. We get to walk more on our infertility journey. We get to keep trying. I get to take more medicine. More blood tests. More doctor appointments. More trying for our perfect baby. 

I know when we finally have our perfect little babe I will be so happy. 

What I wouldn't give to be nauseous all the time. What I wouldn't give to go back to when I was pregnant and just cherish it a little more.

 Some day... Some day we'll have our babies.

Psalm 56:3 New International Version (NIV)
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.